What am I Grateful For?

             I’m grateful for not being grateful. No, that I am able to take things for granted. When do people most think about love? When they are not loved back. Such as, in a bad relationship or a crush. It seems to be human nature for people to desire things they don’t have the most; they think about concepts they can’t grasp. Let me share a personal experience to explain what I’m trying to say.

             I’ve never really been sick or hurt before. I even envied friends in casts. Secretly of course, for that would seem quite childish. Then recently, I was in a rather terrible car accident. Me and my familiy were going to grandma’s last September, when our car crashed into a random fence. For some reason I, who was in the back seat, was the most seriously injured. It was a relief that my other family members were okay, but the pain was simply horrifying. My seatbelt cut through half of my organs and a huge surgery was needed. The problem was that the accident happened in the country side, so the first two hospitals weren’t equipped for such an operation. Leaving me uncured and with zero painkillers, I was just carried around in an ambulance for 8 hours. You could probably picture me begging to see a doctor by the time I reached Seoul. At that time, I just roughly and without any evidence believed, that I would be back to normal again after the surgery.

           I was wrong. When I woke up, I felt deficiency like I never felt before. I lacked the power to do basically anything in every aspect of my life. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t eat, and I could barely move. During the hospitalization, engulfed with negative emotions, I was grateful for everything I used to take for granted. The fact that I dodged any permanent loss (other than a gall bladder) by millimeters, was a fact that I was strikingly aware of as I lay in the hospital bed. It aroused my gratefulness for not just being alive, but also for not needing prosthetics to be alive. I can remember the first time I was allowed to drink something other than water; the sip of Pocari Sweat was all I looked forward to that day. Then they removed the hoses and gave me actual meals. Though I couldn’t eat more than three scoops and, despite my condition, I was aware that it tasted awful, I was thankful. Every time after waking up alone I got terrified, I screamed for my mom and almost had a seizure. When she showed up through the door, a great rush of relief washed over me. Not being able to take care of myself made me realize how wonderful it is to have someone nurse you and love you no matter what.

           If I had never lost the capacity to do so, I would know how great it feels to brush my teeth by myself. Not being in pain. Not having lines attached to me. No nurses waking me two times every night for shots. As I got better, I stopped having to go through experiences like this. I hope you don’t either, because it’s spectacular not being deficient. I mean, aren’t you thankful? Aren’t I thankful for my everyday life? Now that it actually came back to normal? The answer is no. As soon as my normal life came, once I started getting used to being healthy again, I quickly began to overlook it. Of course cars still make me nervous and flashbacks come and go, but I’m fine again. When I read the topic for the essay, I had to think hard about what made me grateful. It was ironic how nothing really came to mind. I guess it’s not that surprising if you take in the fact that people don’t really feel thankful for their own existence. It’s not until you meet life difficulties that you question happiness. So having to think about what I’m grateful for may show not just how spoiled I am, but how sufficient my current state is. That, I think, is something to be truly thankful for.